Curiously, Britain is not the only place to have a hidden past of curious television shows. The US actually produced a sitcom entitled My Mother the Car about a man who buys a car haunted by his dead mother. Complete madness, but we wouldn't have said no to a 1970s British remake starring Brian Murphy and a Morris Minor.
The US, then, are more than competent at coming up with quirky television ideas. What happens, though, when the UK attempt to spoof the US sitcom genre? Just how crazy can they get? One way to find out is to delve into the early days of satellite television and look at Heil Honey I'm Home.
Genre: Sitcom
Channel: Galaxy
Transmission: 30/09/1990
Adolf Hitler (Neil McCaul) lives in Berlin with Eva Braun (Denica Fairman). They live next door to Arny Goldenstein (Gareth Marks) and his wife Rosa (Caroline Gruber). Denica Fairman was replaced by Maria Friedman in the unaired episodes.
The Goldensteins, of course, are Jewish. So, the basic concept of Heil Honey I'm Home is that the world's foremost anti-Semite lives next door to a couple of Jews. In a way, it's the very essence of conflict in comedy. To take this conflict and put in an absurd context, the whole show is played out as a spoof of 1950s US sitcoms. The pilot episode starts with a brief caption explaining that the tapes of the show have recently been discovered after being lost for many decades.
Who Was behind the Controversy?
Heil Honey I'm Home aired on the long defunct Galaxy channel in September 1990. Galaxy was part of the British Satellite Broadcasting (BSB) corporation which went on to merge with Sky Television. A few shows from Galaxy were transferred to the newly created Sky 1 channel, but Galaxy shut down on 2 December 1990.
Writing the show was Geoff Atkinson who had a slew of credits from writing for Rory Bremner, The Two Ronnies, Spitting Image and even Bobby Davro. Noel Gay Television were the production company and the pilot episode was filmed at Pinewood Studios. Later episodes were filmed at Bray Film studios in Windsor.
The show aired as part of the Galaxy Comedy Weekend and was preceded by an episode of Dad's Army. Perhaps Galaxy had the next big war sitcom on their hands. Maybe, 40 years in the future, episodes of Heil Honey I'm Home would still be going out in primetime slots and be one of the nation's crown jewels.
When, though, did Curious British Telly start writing about the rip roaring successes of British TV?
Quite what the backlash against Heil Honey I'm Home consisted of is unclear. BSB only had around 175,000 subscribers at the time of the show's transmission. It stands to reason that only a small percentage of the nation actually caught the show.
However, it's been shown time and time again, that to be offended by a television show, you don't actually have to watch it. Busybodies would surely have thought all their Christmases had come at once when they heard that A COMEDY ABOUT HITLER had aired.
Mary Whitehouse probably suffered a prolapse. Whatever happened, Sky declined taking the programme off Galaxy's hands and it remained a one episode wonder.
Further episodes had, however, been filmed during Autumn 1990 by Noel Gay Television. The existence of these recording sessions had been a matter of debate for many years. In 2006, though, a video entitled Gareth Marks Comedy Showreel appeared on YouTube. This featured around four minutes worth of footage from the unaired episodes. The video appears to have been uploaded by Gareth's PA/Agent who claims that several TV companies have tried obtain the rights to screen the episodes. No other footage has surfaced since, but Geoff Atkinson has recently informed us he still holds the tapes.
In late 2013, we were alerted to the fact that there was information and unused scripts for Heil Honey I'm Home on the website of Vera Productions (http://www.vera.co.uk/2011/01/1-peace-in-our-time). Over 20 episode synopses reside there along with several short scripts. There's a brief bit of history on the show as well, but it appears to have been written as though the whole series was written in the 1950s. It's a curious happening and does actually have some weight behind it.
The MD of Vera Productions is, of course, one Geoff Atkinson. We've since spoken to Geoff and he has confirmed these were indeed original scripts and ideas for the show.
Is It as Shockingly Bad as Everyone Says?
We first heard of the show many years ago on one of those Channel 4 10,000 Worst Television Moments shows. It seemed such a ludicrous concept for a show, but it intrigued us. We're fairly open minded at Curious British Telly and believe comedy should be brave and never shy away from taboo. Despite airing to a limited audience, home recordings of the show were made and reside on YouTube, so we headed there to take a look.
The first reaction is "Really?! What the hell is this?! REALLY?!". However, once you get off your high horse, you realise it's not that shocking. The conflict between Hitler and the Goldensteins is no different to the neighbour conflicts seen in US sitcoms. Perhaps if there had been jokes such as Hitler leaving the oven on to gas the Goldensteins then it could be labelled as bad taste. The plot doesn't fare much better being a corny, screwball affair involving Neville Chamberlain (Patrick Cargill) paying a visit.
It's all very well to imitate a genre, but a true spoof requires that genre to be lampooned. And we're not sure that this lampooning is fully explored in Heil Honey. The acting on show is probably the main highlight. All the characters nail their American accents well with Neil McCaul giving Hitler the perfect Jackie Gleason accent. The cast also manage to capture the chirpy 50s sitcom vibe with energetic performances. Playing Hitler didn't do McCaul's career any harm as he's worked steadily ever since. The others haven't fared quite so well, but have maintained some presence on our screens since the early 90s.
In 2013, the show doesn't feel very controversial. It's been accused of trivialising Nazism, but Allo Allo managed to get away with it as did the long running musical The Producers. The problem is that Heil Honey I'm Home has a misguided concept where Hitler is painted as an anti-hero. As a recurring sketch, there's some potential for hilarity, but over 25 minutes the exciting, initial premise begins to go off track. The script probably needs another going over to wring out all the humour of the situation. In fact, the four minutes footage from the unaired episodes is probably funnier than anything in the pilot episode.
There's a chance, therefore, that things may have improved, but we'll never know. We'd be interested in seeing more of the unaired episodes just to see how the show progressed from the pilot episode. The show is - rather unfairly - regarded as one of the worst shows ever to grace British television, so any commercial interest is always going to be negligible.
Consequently, a DVD release or an airing of the unseen episodes is unlikely. Shows that are regarded as 'banned' such as Heil Honey I'm Home and Hardwicke House are always of interest to the connoisseur of British Telly. A certain mythology builds up around them, so it's always interesting to revisit the genesis of that myth.
Therefore, we advise you to head to YouTube to see what all the fuss is about. It can't be any worse than My Mother the Car.
INTERVIEW:
Fed up with sitting around on our behinds, we decided to lay to rest a few myths about Heil Honey and got in touch with Geoff Atkinson - who we must say is a remarkably helpful chap - for a quick chat about the show.
CBT: Hello, Geoff, and many thanks for taking the time to chat to us. We’d like to start by hearing about your life prior to Heil Honey I’m Home. You spent most of the 80s writing for British greats such as The Two Ronnies, Rory Bremner and Spitting Image to name but a few, but how did your writing career start?
GA: Simple, luck. I wrote a sketch with a friend arrogantly
assuming it would be read and sent it to Ronnie Barker at BBC for consideration
for the Ronnies. Not only did he read it and consider it he got back with words
of encouragement and an offer for me to send more. For six months he guided,
sent back feedback, and gave me the confidence to think it was possible. First
thing they eventually commissioned was a RB monologue, after that I sent off
cold to radio and Punch, latter took a comedy article, former invited me in to
meet John Lloyd and Douglas Adams. I was very very lucky.
At the time BSB was a fledgling channel but they had an
output deal with Noel Gay that was well funded, brave and innovative. Paul
Jackson who I knew from other shows was running it along with the nicest bunch
of producers you could meet. I produced a series for Nick Hancock and talk
turned to sitcom and it just grew from there. One of those ‘what if’ moments. I
suspect other channels may have struggled.
Well cats living next door to dogs could well have worked so
it’s not really a choice thing. One thing to remember about Heil Honey is it
was set in 1938, before the war, but the west had a good idea what Hitler was
up to. Yet we appeased him. Maybe the thought of another war was too much. This
is about that moment, what do you do when the guy next door is a thug and a
bully but you can hardly report him. Sometimes you can destroy bullies by
laughing at them. Sometimes you may not win if you laugh but at least you have
the satisfaction of seeing them for the fool they are. This isn’t about denying
what happened – how could you, it was wicked and inhumane – it’s about being
human in the face of inhumanity.
Yes like all shows you make you learn a lot from the first
series that you can build from. The cast were great, Maria Freidman was a great
Eva and Gareth Marks (his father Alfred was the first person I wrote for on
radio) a very good Arny having just finished in the West End playing the Big Bopper.
I’d always wanted it to be in B/w, shot three cameras, with canned laughter, a
faithful pastiche of the 50’s show it was supposed to be. I think we could
maybe have done that better. And the scripts again got slightly caught in 80’s
pastiching the 50’s rather than true to era. I’d have allowed the satire on
appeasement to come through more. Maybe another day.
It was always going to be a controversial piece. That wasn’t
the reason for making it but equally wasn’t a reason not to. The reaction when
it came was interesting – there seemed to be two strong views. It was
insensitive, or it was absolutely legitimate territory. The cast – three
quarters Jewish – were in the latter camp and had no problem and a lot of
others were in there too. My feeling is with time we could have won the
doubters round, most of the reaction was to the idea without seeing it. It is a
subtle mix, wrapped around a less subtle idea. Something you glimpse, react to,
glimpse a bit more, and find yourself drawn to for a slew of reasons. It’s
partly about setting out something an audience may not immediately think
they’re going to like and watch them come round.
I’d say mixed, but again, as above, a lot was a reaction to
a reaction rather than those viewing it. Vowed I’d never mention The Producers
– best film ever – but what appealed so much was the slow turn around in the
audience when the realised they could laugh their way through taste barrier.
Maybe maybe-
I suspect it was one reason. Not sure this was where their
heart lay then. Now of course Sky have poured money and talent into comedy but
back then giving airtime to the Nazis was probably less of a priority than
building up Andy Grey and Richard Keys. How times have changed. Premise was
this was a show made thirty years ago which has remained on the shelf, twenty
years later it’s odd how it’s playing out it’s own premise.
Do you feel
that, in this post-Sachsgate era, it would still be possible to pitch a
show such as Heil Honey and get it commissioned?
I’d hope so. Tastes do change – one of the reasons for
setting Heil Honey as a fifties sitcom was to reflect on the way different
periods accept or deny certain things. It’s curious how this sometimes throws
up anomalies and occasionally the fear is that rather than open up, we shut
down. I suspect Till Death Us Do Part would be a hard pitch today. Comedy isn’t
always about creating role models, characters are often flawed, damaged, or
unreconstructed. We laugh at them not because we share their views but because
we see through them. But there are no rights in this, writers and producers
just have to bang on the door, back their convictions, and hope those making
the decisions haven’t got one eye on their pension.
episodes of Heil Honey. Gareth Marks, also, has included a
few clips from unaired episodes in his Comedy Showreel. This begs the question
as to what happened to the unaired episodes. Were they burnt in a remote field
by anxious executives? Or are they collecting dust on your shelf? If so, are
they ever likely to see the light of day?
Well I do have a set of VHS’s gathering dust, yes. There’s a
bit of me that would like them to play, the other bit feels with time to
reflect on it all, and the inevitable holes you spot, the thing I’d like most
was to return to the front line and do it again, a bit better, a bit sharper, a
bit more audacious. In other words, the second series that never was.
Well there’s unbroadcast scripts for a series, we can make
it on a tight budget, and 75 years after his death, what better way to deal
with Hitler’s dark past than debunking all he stood for and laughing at
him. Paul Jackson recently told me that when
he travels people always want to talk about it and where there was reluctance
there’s now enthusiasm. Maybe twenty years on it’s time to try again. Any
takers?
Geoff, it's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you for your time.
PRESS CUTTINGS:
Broadcast, 24/08/1990
UNAIRED SCRIPT:
Geoff Atkinson was also kind enough to give us permission to put up the script for an unaired episode of Heil Honey. The episode is entitled 'Ziggy Hitler Comes to Stay'...
OPEN ON THE FRONT ROOM OF ADOLF AND EVA’S APARTMENT
ADOLF ENTERS
Q APPLAUSE
HE IS UNUSUALLY JAUNTY
ADOLF:
Heil honey I’m home
EVA EMERGES WITH A BURNT PLATE OF FOOD
Q APPLAUSE
ADOLF:
I’m not late am I?
EVA:
Is London a city?
ADOLF:
Not after I’ve finished with it
EVA:
Adolf this is important
ADOLF:
You thinking bombing London isn’t?
EVA:
Adolf quit fooling, every night this week you’ve been home late from work
ADOLF:
Eva honey babe, I got plans to make, wars to declare. The Fatherland is going places. Literally.
EVA:
Sometimes I think you care more about your silly little invasion plans than you care about me
ADOLF:
Honey please. I had to work late. I’m a busy man. People see Adolf Hitler out on the street at five o’clock they think, what’s wrong, aren’t we eulogising the guy enough. What time d’you think Stain and Roosevelt and those other big guys finish?
EVA:
So what was so important this time?
ADOLF:
Nothing Eva, just work
EVA:
Adolf have you been staying late so you can steal some more paintings?
ADOLF:
Me steal paintings? Come on, I got my reputation to think of
EVA:
I knew it, you have!
SHE REACHES INSIDE HIS COAT AND PULLS OUT A FRAMED LANDSCAPE
ADOLF:
Eva honey please. What does the good book say? Seek and you shall find
EVA:
Exactly. It don’t stay sneak into private museums after you’ve closed them down and you shall make off with 200 rare masterpieces
ADOLF:
Two hundred? Are you kidding? I got two thousand of them!
EVA:
Oh Adolf! Now you take them back at once d’you hear
ADOLF:
But honey I like paintings. Paintings make me happy
EVA:
So does invading Poland. And bombing France
ADOLF:
So I’m a lucky guy. I got lots of hobbies I enjoy
EVA:
I don’t approve. And neither will Ziggy when he finds out
ADOLF:
Ziggy? Why bring my brother Ziggy into this?
EVA:
Because he’s coming here and you know how he finds things out.
ADOLF:
Boy that’s all I need. Ziggy Hitler in my apartment. You saw what happened the last time that bonehead was here. He swindled me out of a fortune Eva. He’s a cheat and a crook and I hate that in a person
EVA:
Why must you always see bad in other people?
ADOLF:
Because it’s my job. I’m very very good at it
EVA:
He phoned twenty minutes ago from the bus station. Collect. He’ll be here any…
SFX: DOOR GOES, IT PLAYS THE UBER ALIS
ADOLF:
(TO CAMERA) Here we go again
EVA:
Wait, your hair
ADOLF:
Eva, please, not the moustache. No-one touches the moustache.
ADOLF OPENS THE DOOR TO ZIGGY, WIDE LAPELS, SHARP TIE, SPATS. HE LOOKS VERY SIMILAR TO ADOLF – MOUSTACHE ETC. HE SMOKES A SMART CHEROOT
ADOLF:
Ziggy!
ZIGGY:
Dolpho! How ya keeping? No don’t tell me I saw the rallies at the cinema, you were big potatoes
ADOLF:
You liked it?
ZIGGY:
My own kid brother up there making out with all them fancy folk in the crazy outfits. That’s powerful stuff
ADOLF:
(HARDLY HIDING HIS PRIDE) It is?
ZIGGY:
Sure
ADOLF:
You mean [GOES FOR IT] Today we The German people are at a crossroads. The Arian race has never before been under such threat. We must fight, we must oppose, we must crush, all those who would stand against us.
HITS FIST OF TABLE NEARLY BREAKING IT
ZIGGY:
So what does that mean all that Arian Schick?
ADOLF:
It means that all other races are naturally inferior to we, the German people, and we must make sure these other races are not allowed to poison this purity
ZIGGY:
Yeh? So how does that work? I mean you got that funny walk, and the squinty eye, and the hair, I mean no offence Dolpho but you ain’t exactly encouraging folk to get behind the product
ADOLF:
Get up against the wall you schwinehund or I will have you shot
ZIGGY:
Hey what’s got into you Shortie?
ADOLF:
You have. Why must you always ruin everything I get involved in? I invade Austria who do I find on the steps of the Chancellery to greet me? The Austrian Prime Minister? No. My own brother, Ziggy Hitler, selling counterfeit tickets for the victory rally
ZIGGY:
Aw that was yesterday. I’ve changed. This is the new Ziggy you’re looking at
ADOLF:
He don’t look any different from the old one
ZIGGY:
No, but inside things are new. I’m on the level. No cheating. No lying.
ADOLF:
You are on the level? A Hitler on the level? It’s genetically impossible
ZIGGY:
I took a leaf out of your book. You got something to say, say it! Why be afraid, what good has deceiving ever done anyone?
ADOLF:
Yeh listen I feel kinda uncomfortable with some of the things we’re getting into here. I mean I got no problems with the principal of what you’re saying, but sometimes, when you got tanks and submarines and all that stuff hidden away you have to act a little sneaky, not cos you want to, I mean it’s just the way things is.
ZIGGY:
You got tanks and submarines hidden away?
ADOLF:
Shhhh
EVA POPS OPEN CHAMPAGNE. SHE STARTS TO POUR, AS SHE DOES THE GOLDENSTEINS ENTER THROUGH KITCHEN
ROSA:
Hiya Adolf
ADOLF:
The Goldensteins
ARNY:
Hey, did you say you got tanks and submarines bub?
ADOLF:
Nein
ROSA:
Listen, it’s good, don’t apologise, you’re obviously going up in the world
ARNY:
Hey, who’s the new kid in town?
ADOLF:
This is my brother Ziggy. Ziggy meet the Goldensteins
ZIGGY:
You two are married? Surely not they’re much too young
ROSA:
Oh I like this one Adolf
ZIGGY:
Goldenstein, say I know that name
ARNY:
I run a catering business
ZIGGY:
Goldensteins cakes? I hear they’re the talk of Berlin
ROSA:
They are? I never knew that!
ARNY:
See what all this negative propaganda you guys keep pouring out is doing Shorty. All that daubing paint on shop windows. It ain’t helping no-one
HE JABS ADOLF IN THE RIBS
ROSA:
How long are you here for Ziggy?
EVA:
As long as he likes. Ziggy is our guest
ARNY:
You in business Ziggy?
ZIGGY:
Oh yeh… I’m er… you know, that thing people do with land?
ARNY:
Steal it?
ZIGGY:
Invest!
ROSA:
You’re in real estate?
ZIGGY:
Yeh yeh real estate
ROSA:
Hey I have lots of friends in real estate, funny thing is most of them seem to be getting out, can’t figure out why
ARNY:
Oh I think I know why, don’t you Ade
EVA:
Stay calm. Relax. Remember your bloody pressure honey. (QUICKLY, OPENING FRENCH WINDOWS) —would you look at that view. Berlin. A city of a thousand dreams.
ZIGGY:
(SEES ROSA) Make that a thousand and one
ROSA:
Oh he’s cute
ARNY:
Listen we gotta run… we’re late for the ball game, say thanks for the cream soda
ADOLF:
It was champagne
ARNY:
Listen don’t apologise, it tasted just as good as cream soda
ROSA:
Bye Ziggy
ZIGGY:
Let’s not say goodbye, let’s just say adieu
ROSA:
A Jew? Oh he knew my religion already
ARNY:
Listen I think you’ll find the Hitler’s know more about your religion than you think honey
ADOLF FORCES A SMILE. ROSA AND ARNY LEAVE, EVA RETREATS TO THE KITCHEN
ZIGGY:
Hey what’s this?
HE PICKS UP PICTURE ADOLF HAS PUT DOWN
ADOLF:
That? Oh that’s just something I picked up, it’s nothing
ZIGGY:
It looks valuable
ADOLF:
Valuable?? Nein! It’s worthless
ZIGGY:
It’s got a signature, Rembrandt!
ADOLF:
How many times must I tell Joe Goebbels to quit fooling around like that. Faking signatures to wind me up. Boy the fun we nazi’s have
ZIGGY:
Say, you’ve got quite a few pictures round here
ADOLF:
All fakes. Every time I go to an auction I catch a cold. It’s the arm
HE SALUTES
ADOLF:
Everytime. I can’t stop it. Whumpppf! Someone says hello, up it goes again and before you know it I’ve bought myself another dud.
ZIGGY:
That’s awful
ADOLF:
You’re interested in pictures you should talk to the Goldensteins, their apartment is full of them. These people they hoard these things so others cannot enjoy them [HE IS STARTING UP ON ONE] they must be crushed and destroyed and…. hey, there I go again, bringing my work home
ZIGGY:
So all these masterpieces are fake?
ADOLF:
Course they’re fakes. I’m a socialist. For me wealth is for the people not the elite. Look I’m wearing plastic shoes. I live in a cheap apartment with cheap paintings on the wall; I’m a real man of the people. The car, you see the car. The Volks Wagon. You call that showy? Those victory rallies, you think I get anything out of them? That’s me putting something back into society
EVA RETURNS FROM THE KITCHEN
EVA:
Here you go Ziggy, I fixed you up a lap supper
SHE HANDS TRAY OVER TO ZIGGY
ZIGGY:
You are using a Gogan as a food tray?
ADOLF:
They come from the discount store
FADE DOWN
FADE UP ON
THE CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE GOLDENSTEINS
ZIGGY WANDERS AROUND NERVOUSLY. HE HEARS FOOTSTEPS AND FEIGNS SURPRISE
ZIGGY:
Oh hi there…. er, Berny…. Barny
ARNY:
Arny
ZIGGY:
Whatever, and who is this? Arny you didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend as well as a wife, and so pretty, why she’s barely out of high school
ROSA:
Ziggy it’s me Rosa
ZIGGY:
Rosa? How beautiful can one woman get
ARNY:
Is anything wrong Ziggy, you look a little unsure
ZIGGY:
I seem to have mislaid my keys to Adolf’s apartment
ROSA:
No problem, come and wait with us till the little guy gets back
ZIGGY:
I can’t impose on your hospitality
ARNY:
Bud I’ve lived here ten years and believe me the way Rosa runs the joint it’s not hospitable
ROSA:
He don’t mean it
ARNY:
Yes I do
ROSA:
Yes he does. I just like fooling myself
ZIGGY:
I couldn’t intrude
ARNY:
You kidding I love intruders. Intruders make us feel like we’ve got something worth stealing. We’ll leave a note for Adolf. tell him you’re here
ZIGGY:
Hey, relax, I already wrote one
ARNY REACTS
ROSA:
(READS) “Am stopping with the Goldensteins, Ziggy” Hey that’s smart. You wrote that before we arrived. That’s clever
THEY ENTER APARTMENT
ZIGGY:
It’s a nice place you’ve got here
ARNY:
Hey let me show you round. Okay over there is a wall. Over there is a wall. Over there is a wall. And over there, wait I forgot this one…. oh yeh, it’s another wall. There you seen it, want me to run over it again
ROSA:
Ignore him Ziggy. After ten years you realise it’s the only way
ZIGGY:
You have so many nice things. These wonderful paintings
ROSA:
That’s Arny’s grandfather. All his family were called Arny. You ring his home, ask for Arny, four people come to the phone. “Is That Arny?” you ask. “No it’s Arny” they reply. “Well can I speak to Arny” you ask. “I’m sorry Arny ain’t here, will Arny do instead”. You had to be there. Even then it wasn’t that funny.
ZIGGY:
I like it. You know portraits like this can be very valuable. Especially if they’re in good condition
ARNY:
Well that ain’t worth nothing. He was in terrible condition. He died the week after that was painted
ZIGGY:
No no, I mean if the painting is in good condition. Hey, I’ve an idea, since you’ve been so kind and invited me in, maybe could I repay the favour – see this week I acquired the franchise for a new picture restoring fluid
ARNY:
You hear this Rosa? Ziggy reckons he can clean up gramps
ROSA:
It’s about time someone did. The language he used
ZIGGY:
You did me a favour, let me return it. It would make me a very happy person
ROSA:
You really got what it takes ain’tcha. You’re just one big-hearted guy. Give him the money honey
ARNY:
I only got a fifty
ZIGGY:
That’ll do. Oh wait, I think I hear Adolf next door. If I’m not there to keep an eye he’ll have annexed the bathroom and threatened to invade the sofa. Hey, I’m kidding, he doesn’t threaten, he just goes ahead and does it. Better fly. Bye
HE EXITS HURRIEDLY WITH PAINTING
FADE DOWN
FADE UP ON
HITLER’S KITCHEN, NEXT DAY
ROSA AND EVA ARE HAVING COFFEE
EVA:
So Ziggy took the painting of your grandfather and offered to clean it for you?
ROSA:
Imagine that. Him working for ten years in Dresden as an art restorer. Ziggy is a very talented guy. I bet there will be lots of people after him
EVA:
Oh I’m sure they already are
ROSA:
Listen I gotta run. I hear Arny. Thanks for the coffee and would you thank Ziggy too. We were really touched
EVA:
You definitely were that Rosa
AS ROSA LEAVES ADOLF ENTERS THROUGH MAIN DOOR, HE TAKES OFF HIS COAT AND STEPS ONTO BALCONY
ADOLF:
Heil Hitler
CROWDS SHOUT BACK
ADOLF:
Heil honey I’m home
EVA:
Honey please don’t get mad
ADOLF:
I ain’t mad. Do I look mad?
EVA:
It’s Ziggy
ADOLF:
Okay now I’m mad
EVA:
Honey please
ADOLF:
What did he do?
EVA:
I’m not sure
ADOLF:
You’re not sure? That’s the worst! Okay let’s see, he’s opened a pre owned stukka dealership? No No, I got it, he’s selling timeshare apartments in Poland
EVA:
It’s the Goldensteins, listen-
ADOLF:
What do I want to listen to the Goldensteins for? Why should I want to eavesdrop on my neighbours…. unless it’s to gain vital military information in readiness for all out war against them. Or whatever
EVA:
Ziggy has taken a painting from the Goldensteins and has promised to restore it
ADOLF:
I thought you said there was a problem?
EVA:
He told them he had this new picture restoring fluid but I’m sure it was just a lie
ADOLF:
What’s with you Eva, you joined the Gestapo? Not that I’d mind. Those leather uniforms, kinda slinky, especially on the women
EVA:
Adolf be reasonable
ADOLF:
And spoil the habit of a lifetime.
EVA:
Just ask him
ADOLF:
Okay okay, if it will stop you nagging
ADOLF KNOCKS ON BEDROOM DOOR
ADOLF:
Ziggy have you got a moment
ZIGGY EMERGES JOLLY
ZIGGY:
Sure Dolph, you want a new car? Listen I got a little red drop head coming in, don’t ask where I found her, tomorrow we go test drive her
ADOLF:
Ziggy we were just wondering if we could see that picture the Goldensteins lent you, Eva has some cocomany idea there might be a problem
ZIGGY:
You want to see it?
ADOLF:
See honey! I knew it! I’ve insulted my brother. Can you blame him for flying off the handle with me
EVA:
Can we please see the painting Ziggy
ZIGGY REACHES INSIDE ROOM RELUCTANTLY AND PULLS OUT PAINTING. IT IS A TERRIBLE MESS, ALL THE INK HAS RUN AND IT SEEMS TO BE ONE GREAT SMUDGE
ZIGGY:
Believe me, I was going to tell you,
ADOLF:
(BEAT) I don’t get it, what’s the problem?
LATER IN THE HITLER’S APARTMENT
EVA AND ZIGGY STARE AT THE PICTURE
ZIGGY:
Okay I got it, I dress up like Arny’s grandfather and Adolf paints me, they’ll never know the difference
EVA:
I’m not so sure this is going to work Ziggy
ZIGGY:
Adolf used to be a painter
EVA:
Sure but you should see the stuff he did. His sense of perspective
ZIGGY:
Hey, what’s new
ADOLF ENTERS
ZIGGY:
Maybe the Goldensteins won’t notice
ADOLF:
Ziggy, please, even the moose noticed
ZIGGY:
Adolf if I’m annoying you then go ahead and say it
ADOLF:
Okay Ziggy you’re annoying me. There, I said it. Now don’t say I never do anything for you
EVA:
Adolf how can you be rude to your own brother?
ADOLF:
Believe me, it wasn’t difficult
EVA:
But you said you couldn’t see a problem with the mess Ziggy caused
ADOLF:
I can’t. I’m just trying to see it from someone else’s point of view [BEAT] you know something about that sentence isn’t right. Boy every time Ziggy comes to stay this happens. I can’t take over the world with all this going on. I need peace. I need quiet. I’m a artist. You want me to attack the wrong country?
HE GLANCES AT GOLDENSTEINS PICTURE
ADOLF:
You know in a funny way, it does sort of grow on you
EVA:
So does a carbuncle but you don’t want to look at it all day
EVA:
I think I may have got a way out
ADOLF:
If it’s hypnotising the entire Goldenstein family to forget what their grandfather looked like forget it, I already thought of that
EVA:
You’ve been stealing all those valuable paintings for your private collection
ADOLF:
Eva honey as your Fuhrer I command you do not listen to this conversation
EVA:
Give Ziggy one of those old masters, he tells the Goldensteins that while cleaning it he found a more valuable one underneath. Who’s complaining
ADOLF:
Are you suggesting I just give away a priceless masterpiece to the Goldensteins?
EVA:
Can you think of another plan?
ADOLF:
Yeh. We go round there and tell them the truth; Ziggy is a crook and a cheat
EVA:
You want it to get out that Adolf Hitler’s brother has done something wrong and blow your whole master race routine? You know how much it means to you
ADOLF:
You’re right, you’re right. I hate you for it but you’re right. Okay okay we do it your way, but when this is over Ziggy I want you to know it’s no more Mr Nice Fuhrer
FADE DOWN
FADE UP A LITTLE WHILE LATER. ADOLF IS LOUNGING ON SOFA CONDUCTING ALONG TO WAGNER ON THE RECORD PLAYER
ADOLF:
This Wagner sure writes a snappy melody. Hey where’s Ziggy?
EVA:
I haven’t seen him since last night when he slipped by to say he’d given the Goldensteins the painting and they were delighted
ADOLF:
That pesky brother of mine won’t try another stunt like that
HE LEAPS ONTO BALCONY
ADOLF:
Good morning Berlin you’re looking good to me you airheads. Okay I’m outta here. The Second World War won’t start itself
AS HE LEAVES ROSA ENTERS THE KITCHEN
ROSA:
Hi honey
EVA:
Hi Rosa
ROSA:
Is Ziggy around?
EVA:
er no, is something wrong only Ziggy explained what had happened
ROSA:
Oh the Rembrandt. No that’s fine. Imagine that. All the time we owned a Rembrandt and never knew. Course Arny wasn’t so sure at first. So what’s wrong with my grandfather he keeps moaning. Look at the brushwork I reply. Look at the artistry. Look at the price. That did it
EVA:
So you didn’t want to see Ziggy to complain?
ROSA:
Complain? You kidding. He pushes all the right buttons for us. No I just wanted to thank him, and ask when the other one’s will be ready
EVA:
Other ones?
ROSA:
Well we thought, why not. Five paintings, five more Rembrandt’s, who knows. Hey is something wrong, you look kinda pasty?
EVA:
Oh no, I’m sure everything is just fine
ROSA:
Listen if you see Ziggy if he could manage a Van Gogh instead of one of the Rembrandt’s that would be great
EVA:
Van Gogh?
ROSA:
You know the one. Cut his own ear off. Great paintings but what a loser. Never could say that about you or me Eva
EVA:
Couldn’t we?
FADE DOWN
FADE UP ON HITLER’S MAIN ROOM. ADOLF ENTERS
ADOLF:
Heil honey babe
EVA:
Heil Adolf
ADOLF:
Boy what a day
EVA:
Oh now it can’t have been that bad
ADOLF:
It was worse than that. I got into work and one of the secretaries shows me this new machine they’ve been given. What’s that I say. It’s a dictating machine she replies. Well I flipped. There is only one dictator in this country I shouted and threw it out the window only then one of the guys explains what it is, so then I have to go out on the sidewalk on my hands and knees picking up the pieces and the people are going, I don’t get this one, jack booting, that I could understand, but crawling round, that will never catch on
EVA:
Yeh? Well I’ve got a problem too
ADOLF:
Don’t tell me, it’s those people next door
EVA:
Oh now stop jumping to conclusions
ADOLF:
So it’s not the Goldensteins
EVA:
Well yes it is
ADOLF:
No wait let me think. Ziggy sold them one of my secret tanks as a family runabout. No that’s too easy. He’s burnt down the Reichstag. Again.
EVA:
Oh Adolf
ADOLF:
So re-assure me, tell me everything is alright, tell me I’m still the Fuhrer and Ziggy hasn’t replaced me
EVA:
It’s just that Rosa and Arny were so pleased with the new picture Ziggy gave them that they gave him five more to clean
ADOLF:
Ziggy!
EVA:
Oh Adolf now don’t be so hard on him
ADOLF:
Eva please, I just want to talk to him. Then after I’ve talked to him, I just want to punch him in the face. Ziggy!!
ZIGGY POPS OUT OF HIS ROOM
ZIGGY:
It wasn’t my fault. They practically begged me to take them off their hands
ADOLF:
Ziggy, please, I’m the top guy, I don’t do stupid. Is it me or when they handed out the idiot chromosomes did you ask for extra?
ZIGGY:
Your own brother. Trying to help out. And this is how you treat me
ADOLF:
No this is how I treat you. Get out and stay out
EVE:
Adolf you apologise to Ziggy
ADOLF:
Apologise? Adolf Hitler say sorry? You want to slay me? Honey, I got feelings, remember that
ZIGGY:
Kicked in the teeth by his own brother
ADOLF:
Ziggy please
ZIGGY:
The brother he could never be
ADOLF:
No more Ziggy please, you got the part
ZIGGY:
It ain’t me you should be sticking the knife into it’s those Goldenstein guys
ADOLF:
You’re right, you’re right. They must have known what was happening all along. They knew it was a switch and now they’re trying to rob me some more of your priceless treasures
EVE:
Your artworks?
ADOLF:
Aw c’mon, I just borrowed them, I was going to give them back.
EVE:
Adolf where are you going?
ADOLF:
I’m having it out with them
EVE:
Wait, you have to have a reason
ADOLF:
You’re telling a dictator he can’t do what he likes? Get with the politics honey, this is 1938
ZIGGY:
No Adolf Eva’s right. At the moment we ain’t got any proof. We need to catch them red handed if the charges are to stick
ADOLF:
You’re right, he’s right. Two Hitler’s are better than one when it comes to figuring out how to beat these sneaky people. Okay listen this is what we do…. Eva honey please, can we have a little privacy, I can’t work my magic if people are watching
FADE DOWN UNDER MUSIC
FADE UP ON THE HITLER’S APARTMENT NEXT DAY
ADOLF ARRIVES WITH HALF A DOZEN MASTERPIECES UNDER HIS ARMS. ZIGGY IS ALONE IN THE ROOM
ADOLF:
Where’s Eva?
ZIGGY:
She’s in the bedroom
ADOLF:
Okay make sure she stays there. If she finds out what we’ve been scheming I’ll have black shirts crawling all over me, believe me she’s ruthless
ZIGGY:
What you got?
ADOLF:
The best. A Titian, a Monet, a couple of Dutch schools and look at this, a Botticelli
ZIGGY:
I like your style
ADOLF:
I’m a stylish guy. The hair, the boots, that high kicking march, that’s me, I’m a stylish sort of guy
ZIGGY:
Brown shirts was genius. Drab, yet effective. That’s genius
ADOLF:
Ziggy, to hear you, my own brother, talk like that
ZIGGY:
Adolf hang on in there buddy
ADOLF:
Sure sure, I got so much love to give and sometimes it ain’t easy. When I’m with the fellas marching on other countries I gotta hold it in or they start to ask questions but believe me inside I’m all waterworks
ZIGGY:
So the plan is I go next door, give the paintings to the Goldensteins, they accept them knowing full well they’re different from the ones I took, then you burst in, confront them, and hey presto, it’s goodnight Vienna
ADOLF:
Goodnight Vienna, ain’t I already done that one?
ZIGGY:
But remember, hold back a little, I need time if it’s to work
ADOLF:
I can hardly wait. It’s smart, it’s clever, it’s sneaky, It’s Hitler
ZIGGY:
Half an hour?
ADOLF:
Soon the Goldensteins will feel the full might of the Fuhrer upon them
ZIGGY:
Sure sure, careful there Dolpho, you’re starting to foam a little at the mouth
ZIGGY TURNS TO LEAVE WITH THE PICTURES
ADOLF:
Hey and listen Ziggy, don’t think I don’t appreciate all that you’ve done, I couldn’t have done this without you
ZIGGY:
And I couldn’t do what I’m about to do with you
THEY EMBRACE
ZIGGY:
I’m outta here
ADOLF:
Stay lucky
ZIGGY LEAVES WITH PAINTINGS, EVA ENTERS
EVA:
Who was that?
ADOLF:
Only Ziggy
EVA:
What did he want?
ADOLF:
Two brothers can’t have a moment with each other. Say what are you doing in about half an hour?
EVA:
Nothing, why?
ADOLF:
Oh I just thought you might like to come to a private view at a new art gallery round the corner
MUSIC STING
FADE DOWN
FADE UP ON CORRIDOR OUTSIDE GOLDENSTEINS 30 MINUTES LATER
EVA:
Adolf I’m not so sure this is a good idea
ADOLF:
Are you kidding, this is one of the best ideas I’ve ever had
EVA:
I know, that’s why I’m not so sure it’s a good idea, the Goldensteins may not want people to call by and look at their new artworks
ADOLF:
What? They love it. Okay times up, tomorrow Europe, today the Goldensteins
EVA:
What?
ADOLF:
Nothing
THEY KNOCK ON THE GOLDENSTEINS’ FRONT DOOR
EVA:
Adolf, I know you’re mad cos they’ve stolen your paintings but remember they’re our neighbours, I have to live with them while you go off with your funny friends
ADOLF:
Eva c’mon, we’re just going to see the pictures, what could possibly go wrong
THEY KNOCK AGAIN
ARNY OOV:
Okay okay, what’s the hurry, I was in the shower
THE DOOR OPENS AND ADOLF BURSTS IN TO BE GREETED BY ARNY IN A TOWEL
ADOLF:
So Arny we finally caught you
ARNY:
(TO EVA) Say this is another of his routines, boy I like these
ADOLF:
This is no routine Arny. This is for real you swindling cheater
ARNY:
Hey honey you want to come and catch this. Adolf is doing some funny business out here
ROSA COMES IN
ROSA:
So? I’m watching
ADOLF:
I’ll tell you what it is, you two cheapsters have just stung me for five masterpieces that you know aren’t yours
ROSA:
I don’t get this routine Adolf
ARNY:
Me neither, it ain’t funny like the normal ones
EVA:
Adolf?
ADOLF:
Honey please not now
EVA:
Adolf!
ADOLF:
Eva babe not now, I’m going for it
EVA:
Adolf, the pictures
ADOLF LOOKS ROUND THE ROOM THEN REACTS WITH HORROR
ADOLF:
What are those doing there?
ARNY:
That’s what we’ve been saying?
ROSA:
We gave them to Ziggy to clean but when he returned them they were just the same as they always had been
ADOLF:
No Gogan….
ARNY:
No
ADOLF:
No Titian… No Botticelli???
ROSA:
And we paid good money to have them done
ADOLF:
Wait, wait…. if those are your old pictures, where are my priceless masterpieces??
ARNY:
What priceless masterpieces?
ADOLF:
Ziggy, when he called, he must have said something
ARNY:
Sure, he said here are you paintings back, took our money, then left. To tell you the truth he seemed in some sort of hurry, something about a plane…. to Switzerland? Where the nazi gold has been going
ADOLF:
My paintings!!!!
HE BREAKS DOWN CRYING
ROSA:
Oh wait, now this bit is funny
ARNY:
Listen Eva we hate to complain but we figure the money we paid, well he stole from us
EVA:
Adolf give the Goldensteins the money Ziggy took from them
ADOLF:
What?
EVA:
Look I’ll do it
SHE TAKES MONEY FROM ADOLF’S WALLET, ADOLF RAGES
ADOLF:
What are you doing? Give the Fuhrer back his purse
EVA:
How much
ARNY:
Fifty Marks
ROSA:
Honey I though Ziggy said forty
ARNY:
I know but have you seen inflation round here. Hey that’s something else I want to talk to you about Shorty
ADOLF:
Get out! Get out, get out
ARNY:
Oh boy, this is some routine
ADOLF:
Get out! Get out of my flat
THEY START TO LEAVE
ARENY:
Just a minute Bub, this is our flat
ROSA:
Wait I’ll get my camera, this one I want to keep. Say maybe we can take a few and get them framed. Replace those crummy paintings. Hey, you never know, maybe things haven’t turned out so bad after all, what d’you say Shorty?
ADOLF:
I’ll tell you what I say, I say if any of this ever gets out, that my brother stole from me, the Fuhrer, then you’re….
ARNY:
Yes?
ADOLF:
You’re….
ROSA:
We’re what, Adolf?
ADOLF:
Eva, come up with something
EVA:
It’s Poland. He’s been overworking.
ARNY:
Poland? Hey we know people there. I bet they’d love to hear about Ziggy and—
ADOLF:
Right, that’s it, I’m telling Borman
EVA:
Ignore him. He’s just a bit stressed.
ADOLF JACK BOOTS OUT OF THE APARTMENT
EVA:
Here we go again
SHE RUNS AFTER HIM
EVA:
Bye Arny, bye Rosa
ARNY:
Is it me or has Adolf got a bit of an attitude problem?
ROSA:
Did you see the veins on the side of his neck stick out
ARNY:
All that stomping’, and shouting… who rattled his cot
ROSA:
Still at least he bring a little colour into our lives
ARNY:
Yeh, that stuff he kept saying. How he’s racially superior to us
ROSA:
That’s what his book says
ARNY:
You know, it just makes me kinda grateful that since we’re racially inferior we don’t need to compete
ROSA:
Yeh. Cos keeping up with the Hitler. Boy that would be nearly impossible.
ENDS
PRESS CUTTINGS:
Broadcast, 24/08/1990
UNAIRED SCRIPT:
Geoff Atkinson was also kind enough to give us permission to put up the script for an unaired episode of Heil Honey. The episode is entitled 'Ziggy Hitler Comes to Stay'...
OPEN ON THE FRONT ROOM OF ADOLF AND EVA’S APARTMENT
ADOLF ENTERS
Q APPLAUSE
HE IS UNUSUALLY JAUNTY
ADOLF:
Heil honey I’m home
EVA EMERGES WITH A BURNT PLATE OF FOOD
Q APPLAUSE
ADOLF:
I’m not late am I?
EVA:
Is London a city?
ADOLF:
Not after I’ve finished with it
EVA:
Adolf this is important
ADOLF:
You thinking bombing London isn’t?
EVA:
Adolf quit fooling, every night this week you’ve been home late from work
ADOLF:
Eva honey babe, I got plans to make, wars to declare. The Fatherland is going places. Literally.
EVA:
Sometimes I think you care more about your silly little invasion plans than you care about me
ADOLF:
Honey please. I had to work late. I’m a busy man. People see Adolf Hitler out on the street at five o’clock they think, what’s wrong, aren’t we eulogising the guy enough. What time d’you think Stain and Roosevelt and those other big guys finish?
EVA:
So what was so important this time?
ADOLF:
Nothing Eva, just work
EVA:
Adolf have you been staying late so you can steal some more paintings?
ADOLF:
Me steal paintings? Come on, I got my reputation to think of
EVA:
I knew it, you have!
SHE REACHES INSIDE HIS COAT AND PULLS OUT A FRAMED LANDSCAPE
ADOLF:
Eva honey please. What does the good book say? Seek and you shall find
EVA:
Exactly. It don’t stay sneak into private museums after you’ve closed them down and you shall make off with 200 rare masterpieces
ADOLF:
Two hundred? Are you kidding? I got two thousand of them!
EVA:
Oh Adolf! Now you take them back at once d’you hear
ADOLF:
But honey I like paintings. Paintings make me happy
EVA:
So does invading Poland. And bombing France
ADOLF:
So I’m a lucky guy. I got lots of hobbies I enjoy
EVA:
I don’t approve. And neither will Ziggy when he finds out
ADOLF:
Ziggy? Why bring my brother Ziggy into this?
EVA:
Because he’s coming here and you know how he finds things out.
ADOLF:
Boy that’s all I need. Ziggy Hitler in my apartment. You saw what happened the last time that bonehead was here. He swindled me out of a fortune Eva. He’s a cheat and a crook and I hate that in a person
EVA:
Why must you always see bad in other people?
ADOLF:
Because it’s my job. I’m very very good at it
EVA:
He phoned twenty minutes ago from the bus station. Collect. He’ll be here any…
SFX: DOOR GOES, IT PLAYS THE UBER ALIS
ADOLF:
(TO CAMERA) Here we go again
EVA:
Wait, your hair
ADOLF:
Eva, please, not the moustache. No-one touches the moustache.
ADOLF OPENS THE DOOR TO ZIGGY, WIDE LAPELS, SHARP TIE, SPATS. HE LOOKS VERY SIMILAR TO ADOLF – MOUSTACHE ETC. HE SMOKES A SMART CHEROOT
ADOLF:
Ziggy!
ZIGGY:
Dolpho! How ya keeping? No don’t tell me I saw the rallies at the cinema, you were big potatoes
ADOLF:
You liked it?
ZIGGY:
My own kid brother up there making out with all them fancy folk in the crazy outfits. That’s powerful stuff
ADOLF:
(HARDLY HIDING HIS PRIDE) It is?
ZIGGY:
Sure
ADOLF:
You mean [GOES FOR IT] Today we The German people are at a crossroads. The Arian race has never before been under such threat. We must fight, we must oppose, we must crush, all those who would stand against us.
HITS FIST OF TABLE NEARLY BREAKING IT
ZIGGY:
So what does that mean all that Arian Schick?
ADOLF:
It means that all other races are naturally inferior to we, the German people, and we must make sure these other races are not allowed to poison this purity
ZIGGY:
Yeh? So how does that work? I mean you got that funny walk, and the squinty eye, and the hair, I mean no offence Dolpho but you ain’t exactly encouraging folk to get behind the product
ADOLF:
Get up against the wall you schwinehund or I will have you shot
ZIGGY:
Hey what’s got into you Shortie?
ADOLF:
You have. Why must you always ruin everything I get involved in? I invade Austria who do I find on the steps of the Chancellery to greet me? The Austrian Prime Minister? No. My own brother, Ziggy Hitler, selling counterfeit tickets for the victory rally
ZIGGY:
Aw that was yesterday. I’ve changed. This is the new Ziggy you’re looking at
ADOLF:
He don’t look any different from the old one
ZIGGY:
No, but inside things are new. I’m on the level. No cheating. No lying.
ADOLF:
You are on the level? A Hitler on the level? It’s genetically impossible
ZIGGY:
I took a leaf out of your book. You got something to say, say it! Why be afraid, what good has deceiving ever done anyone?
ADOLF:
Yeh listen I feel kinda uncomfortable with some of the things we’re getting into here. I mean I got no problems with the principal of what you’re saying, but sometimes, when you got tanks and submarines and all that stuff hidden away you have to act a little sneaky, not cos you want to, I mean it’s just the way things is.
ZIGGY:
You got tanks and submarines hidden away?
ADOLF:
Shhhh
EVA POPS OPEN CHAMPAGNE. SHE STARTS TO POUR, AS SHE DOES THE GOLDENSTEINS ENTER THROUGH KITCHEN
ROSA:
Hiya Adolf
ADOLF:
The Goldensteins
ARNY:
Hey, did you say you got tanks and submarines bub?
ADOLF:
Nein
ROSA:
Listen, it’s good, don’t apologise, you’re obviously going up in the world
ARNY:
Hey, who’s the new kid in town?
ADOLF:
This is my brother Ziggy. Ziggy meet the Goldensteins
ZIGGY:
You two are married? Surely not they’re much too young
ROSA:
Oh I like this one Adolf
ZIGGY:
Goldenstein, say I know that name
ARNY:
I run a catering business
ZIGGY:
Goldensteins cakes? I hear they’re the talk of Berlin
ROSA:
They are? I never knew that!
ARNY:
See what all this negative propaganda you guys keep pouring out is doing Shorty. All that daubing paint on shop windows. It ain’t helping no-one
HE JABS ADOLF IN THE RIBS
ROSA:
How long are you here for Ziggy?
EVA:
As long as he likes. Ziggy is our guest
ARNY:
You in business Ziggy?
ZIGGY:
Oh yeh… I’m er… you know, that thing people do with land?
ARNY:
Steal it?
ZIGGY:
Invest!
ROSA:
You’re in real estate?
ZIGGY:
Yeh yeh real estate
ROSA:
Hey I have lots of friends in real estate, funny thing is most of them seem to be getting out, can’t figure out why
ARNY:
Oh I think I know why, don’t you Ade
EVA:
Stay calm. Relax. Remember your bloody pressure honey. (QUICKLY, OPENING FRENCH WINDOWS) —would you look at that view. Berlin. A city of a thousand dreams.
ZIGGY:
(SEES ROSA) Make that a thousand and one
ROSA:
Oh he’s cute
ARNY:
Listen we gotta run… we’re late for the ball game, say thanks for the cream soda
ADOLF:
It was champagne
ARNY:
Listen don’t apologise, it tasted just as good as cream soda
ROSA:
Bye Ziggy
ZIGGY:
Let’s not say goodbye, let’s just say adieu
ROSA:
A Jew? Oh he knew my religion already
ARNY:
Listen I think you’ll find the Hitler’s know more about your religion than you think honey
ADOLF FORCES A SMILE. ROSA AND ARNY LEAVE, EVA RETREATS TO THE KITCHEN
ZIGGY:
Hey what’s this?
HE PICKS UP PICTURE ADOLF HAS PUT DOWN
ADOLF:
That? Oh that’s just something I picked up, it’s nothing
ZIGGY:
It looks valuable
ADOLF:
Valuable?? Nein! It’s worthless
ZIGGY:
It’s got a signature, Rembrandt!
ADOLF:
How many times must I tell Joe Goebbels to quit fooling around like that. Faking signatures to wind me up. Boy the fun we nazi’s have
ZIGGY:
Say, you’ve got quite a few pictures round here
ADOLF:
All fakes. Every time I go to an auction I catch a cold. It’s the arm
HE SALUTES
ADOLF:
Everytime. I can’t stop it. Whumpppf! Someone says hello, up it goes again and before you know it I’ve bought myself another dud.
ZIGGY:
That’s awful
ADOLF:
You’re interested in pictures you should talk to the Goldensteins, their apartment is full of them. These people they hoard these things so others cannot enjoy them [HE IS STARTING UP ON ONE] they must be crushed and destroyed and…. hey, there I go again, bringing my work home
ZIGGY:
So all these masterpieces are fake?
ADOLF:
Course they’re fakes. I’m a socialist. For me wealth is for the people not the elite. Look I’m wearing plastic shoes. I live in a cheap apartment with cheap paintings on the wall; I’m a real man of the people. The car, you see the car. The Volks Wagon. You call that showy? Those victory rallies, you think I get anything out of them? That’s me putting something back into society
EVA RETURNS FROM THE KITCHEN
EVA:
Here you go Ziggy, I fixed you up a lap supper
SHE HANDS TRAY OVER TO ZIGGY
ZIGGY:
You are using a Gogan as a food tray?
ADOLF:
They come from the discount store
FADE DOWN
FADE UP ON
THE CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE GOLDENSTEINS
ZIGGY WANDERS AROUND NERVOUSLY. HE HEARS FOOTSTEPS AND FEIGNS SURPRISE
ZIGGY:
Oh hi there…. er, Berny…. Barny
ARNY:
Arny
ZIGGY:
Whatever, and who is this? Arny you didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend as well as a wife, and so pretty, why she’s barely out of high school
ROSA:
Ziggy it’s me Rosa
ZIGGY:
Rosa? How beautiful can one woman get
ARNY:
Is anything wrong Ziggy, you look a little unsure
ZIGGY:
I seem to have mislaid my keys to Adolf’s apartment
ROSA:
No problem, come and wait with us till the little guy gets back
ZIGGY:
I can’t impose on your hospitality
ARNY:
Bud I’ve lived here ten years and believe me the way Rosa runs the joint it’s not hospitable
ROSA:
He don’t mean it
ARNY:
Yes I do
ROSA:
Yes he does. I just like fooling myself
ZIGGY:
I couldn’t intrude
ARNY:
You kidding I love intruders. Intruders make us feel like we’ve got something worth stealing. We’ll leave a note for Adolf. tell him you’re here
ZIGGY:
Hey, relax, I already wrote one
ARNY REACTS
ROSA:
(READS) “Am stopping with the Goldensteins, Ziggy” Hey that’s smart. You wrote that before we arrived. That’s clever
THEY ENTER APARTMENT
ZIGGY:
It’s a nice place you’ve got here
ARNY:
Hey let me show you round. Okay over there is a wall. Over there is a wall. Over there is a wall. And over there, wait I forgot this one…. oh yeh, it’s another wall. There you seen it, want me to run over it again
ROSA:
Ignore him Ziggy. After ten years you realise it’s the only way
ZIGGY:
You have so many nice things. These wonderful paintings
ROSA:
That’s Arny’s grandfather. All his family were called Arny. You ring his home, ask for Arny, four people come to the phone. “Is That Arny?” you ask. “No it’s Arny” they reply. “Well can I speak to Arny” you ask. “I’m sorry Arny ain’t here, will Arny do instead”. You had to be there. Even then it wasn’t that funny.
ZIGGY:
I like it. You know portraits like this can be very valuable. Especially if they’re in good condition
ARNY:
Well that ain’t worth nothing. He was in terrible condition. He died the week after that was painted
ZIGGY:
No no, I mean if the painting is in good condition. Hey, I’ve an idea, since you’ve been so kind and invited me in, maybe could I repay the favour – see this week I acquired the franchise for a new picture restoring fluid
ARNY:
You hear this Rosa? Ziggy reckons he can clean up gramps
ROSA:
It’s about time someone did. The language he used
ZIGGY:
You did me a favour, let me return it. It would make me a very happy person
ROSA:
You really got what it takes ain’tcha. You’re just one big-hearted guy. Give him the money honey
ARNY:
I only got a fifty
ZIGGY:
That’ll do. Oh wait, I think I hear Adolf next door. If I’m not there to keep an eye he’ll have annexed the bathroom and threatened to invade the sofa. Hey, I’m kidding, he doesn’t threaten, he just goes ahead and does it. Better fly. Bye
HE EXITS HURRIEDLY WITH PAINTING
FADE DOWN
FADE UP ON
HITLER’S KITCHEN, NEXT DAY
ROSA AND EVA ARE HAVING COFFEE
EVA:
So Ziggy took the painting of your grandfather and offered to clean it for you?
ROSA:
Imagine that. Him working for ten years in Dresden as an art restorer. Ziggy is a very talented guy. I bet there will be lots of people after him
EVA:
Oh I’m sure they already are
ROSA:
Listen I gotta run. I hear Arny. Thanks for the coffee and would you thank Ziggy too. We were really touched
EVA:
You definitely were that Rosa
AS ROSA LEAVES ADOLF ENTERS THROUGH MAIN DOOR, HE TAKES OFF HIS COAT AND STEPS ONTO BALCONY
ADOLF:
Heil Hitler
CROWDS SHOUT BACK
ADOLF:
Heil honey I’m home
EVA:
Honey please don’t get mad
ADOLF:
I ain’t mad. Do I look mad?
EVA:
It’s Ziggy
ADOLF:
Okay now I’m mad
EVA:
Honey please
ADOLF:
What did he do?
EVA:
I’m not sure
ADOLF:
You’re not sure? That’s the worst! Okay let’s see, he’s opened a pre owned stukka dealership? No No, I got it, he’s selling timeshare apartments in Poland
EVA:
It’s the Goldensteins, listen-
ADOLF:
What do I want to listen to the Goldensteins for? Why should I want to eavesdrop on my neighbours…. unless it’s to gain vital military information in readiness for all out war against them. Or whatever
EVA:
Ziggy has taken a painting from the Goldensteins and has promised to restore it
ADOLF:
I thought you said there was a problem?
EVA:
He told them he had this new picture restoring fluid but I’m sure it was just a lie
ADOLF:
What’s with you Eva, you joined the Gestapo? Not that I’d mind. Those leather uniforms, kinda slinky, especially on the women
EVA:
Adolf be reasonable
ADOLF:
And spoil the habit of a lifetime.
EVA:
Just ask him
ADOLF:
Okay okay, if it will stop you nagging
ADOLF KNOCKS ON BEDROOM DOOR
ADOLF:
Ziggy have you got a moment
ZIGGY EMERGES JOLLY
ZIGGY:
Sure Dolph, you want a new car? Listen I got a little red drop head coming in, don’t ask where I found her, tomorrow we go test drive her
ADOLF:
Ziggy we were just wondering if we could see that picture the Goldensteins lent you, Eva has some cocomany idea there might be a problem
ZIGGY:
You want to see it?
ADOLF:
See honey! I knew it! I’ve insulted my brother. Can you blame him for flying off the handle with me
EVA:
Can we please see the painting Ziggy
ZIGGY REACHES INSIDE ROOM RELUCTANTLY AND PULLS OUT PAINTING. IT IS A TERRIBLE MESS, ALL THE INK HAS RUN AND IT SEEMS TO BE ONE GREAT SMUDGE
ZIGGY:
Believe me, I was going to tell you,
ADOLF:
(BEAT) I don’t get it, what’s the problem?
LATER IN THE HITLER’S APARTMENT
EVA AND ZIGGY STARE AT THE PICTURE
ZIGGY:
Okay I got it, I dress up like Arny’s grandfather and Adolf paints me, they’ll never know the difference
EVA:
I’m not so sure this is going to work Ziggy
ZIGGY:
Adolf used to be a painter
EVA:
Sure but you should see the stuff he did. His sense of perspective
ZIGGY:
Hey, what’s new
ADOLF ENTERS
ZIGGY:
Maybe the Goldensteins won’t notice
ADOLF:
Ziggy, please, even the moose noticed
ZIGGY:
Adolf if I’m annoying you then go ahead and say it
ADOLF:
Okay Ziggy you’re annoying me. There, I said it. Now don’t say I never do anything for you
EVA:
Adolf how can you be rude to your own brother?
ADOLF:
Believe me, it wasn’t difficult
EVA:
But you said you couldn’t see a problem with the mess Ziggy caused
ADOLF:
I can’t. I’m just trying to see it from someone else’s point of view [BEAT] you know something about that sentence isn’t right. Boy every time Ziggy comes to stay this happens. I can’t take over the world with all this going on. I need peace. I need quiet. I’m a artist. You want me to attack the wrong country?
HE GLANCES AT GOLDENSTEINS PICTURE
ADOLF:
You know in a funny way, it does sort of grow on you
EVA:
So does a carbuncle but you don’t want to look at it all day
EVA:
I think I may have got a way out
ADOLF:
If it’s hypnotising the entire Goldenstein family to forget what their grandfather looked like forget it, I already thought of that
EVA:
You’ve been stealing all those valuable paintings for your private collection
ADOLF:
Eva honey as your Fuhrer I command you do not listen to this conversation
EVA:
Give Ziggy one of those old masters, he tells the Goldensteins that while cleaning it he found a more valuable one underneath. Who’s complaining
ADOLF:
Are you suggesting I just give away a priceless masterpiece to the Goldensteins?
EVA:
Can you think of another plan?
ADOLF:
Yeh. We go round there and tell them the truth; Ziggy is a crook and a cheat
EVA:
You want it to get out that Adolf Hitler’s brother has done something wrong and blow your whole master race routine? You know how much it means to you
ADOLF:
You’re right, you’re right. I hate you for it but you’re right. Okay okay we do it your way, but when this is over Ziggy I want you to know it’s no more Mr Nice Fuhrer
FADE DOWN
FADE UP A LITTLE WHILE LATER. ADOLF IS LOUNGING ON SOFA CONDUCTING ALONG TO WAGNER ON THE RECORD PLAYER
ADOLF:
This Wagner sure writes a snappy melody. Hey where’s Ziggy?
EVA:
I haven’t seen him since last night when he slipped by to say he’d given the Goldensteins the painting and they were delighted
ADOLF:
That pesky brother of mine won’t try another stunt like that
HE LEAPS ONTO BALCONY
ADOLF:
Good morning Berlin you’re looking good to me you airheads. Okay I’m outta here. The Second World War won’t start itself
AS HE LEAVES ROSA ENTERS THE KITCHEN
ROSA:
Hi honey
EVA:
Hi Rosa
ROSA:
Is Ziggy around?
EVA:
er no, is something wrong only Ziggy explained what had happened
ROSA:
Oh the Rembrandt. No that’s fine. Imagine that. All the time we owned a Rembrandt and never knew. Course Arny wasn’t so sure at first. So what’s wrong with my grandfather he keeps moaning. Look at the brushwork I reply. Look at the artistry. Look at the price. That did it
EVA:
So you didn’t want to see Ziggy to complain?
ROSA:
Complain? You kidding. He pushes all the right buttons for us. No I just wanted to thank him, and ask when the other one’s will be ready
EVA:
Other ones?
ROSA:
Well we thought, why not. Five paintings, five more Rembrandt’s, who knows. Hey is something wrong, you look kinda pasty?
EVA:
Oh no, I’m sure everything is just fine
ROSA:
Listen if you see Ziggy if he could manage a Van Gogh instead of one of the Rembrandt’s that would be great
EVA:
Van Gogh?
ROSA:
You know the one. Cut his own ear off. Great paintings but what a loser. Never could say that about you or me Eva
EVA:
Couldn’t we?
FADE DOWN
FADE UP ON HITLER’S MAIN ROOM. ADOLF ENTERS
ADOLF:
Heil honey babe
EVA:
Heil Adolf
ADOLF:
Boy what a day
EVA:
Oh now it can’t have been that bad
ADOLF:
It was worse than that. I got into work and one of the secretaries shows me this new machine they’ve been given. What’s that I say. It’s a dictating machine she replies. Well I flipped. There is only one dictator in this country I shouted and threw it out the window only then one of the guys explains what it is, so then I have to go out on the sidewalk on my hands and knees picking up the pieces and the people are going, I don’t get this one, jack booting, that I could understand, but crawling round, that will never catch on
EVA:
Yeh? Well I’ve got a problem too
ADOLF:
Don’t tell me, it’s those people next door
EVA:
Oh now stop jumping to conclusions
ADOLF:
So it’s not the Goldensteins
EVA:
Well yes it is
ADOLF:
No wait let me think. Ziggy sold them one of my secret tanks as a family runabout. No that’s too easy. He’s burnt down the Reichstag. Again.
EVA:
Oh Adolf
ADOLF:
So re-assure me, tell me everything is alright, tell me I’m still the Fuhrer and Ziggy hasn’t replaced me
EVA:
It’s just that Rosa and Arny were so pleased with the new picture Ziggy gave them that they gave him five more to clean
ADOLF:
Ziggy!
EVA:
Oh Adolf now don’t be so hard on him
ADOLF:
Eva please, I just want to talk to him. Then after I’ve talked to him, I just want to punch him in the face. Ziggy!!
ZIGGY POPS OUT OF HIS ROOM
ZIGGY:
It wasn’t my fault. They practically begged me to take them off their hands
ADOLF:
Ziggy, please, I’m the top guy, I don’t do stupid. Is it me or when they handed out the idiot chromosomes did you ask for extra?
ZIGGY:
Your own brother. Trying to help out. And this is how you treat me
ADOLF:
No this is how I treat you. Get out and stay out
EVE:
Adolf you apologise to Ziggy
ADOLF:
Apologise? Adolf Hitler say sorry? You want to slay me? Honey, I got feelings, remember that
ZIGGY:
Kicked in the teeth by his own brother
ADOLF:
Ziggy please
ZIGGY:
The brother he could never be
ADOLF:
No more Ziggy please, you got the part
ZIGGY:
It ain’t me you should be sticking the knife into it’s those Goldenstein guys
ADOLF:
You’re right, you’re right. They must have known what was happening all along. They knew it was a switch and now they’re trying to rob me some more of your priceless treasures
EVE:
Your artworks?
ADOLF:
Aw c’mon, I just borrowed them, I was going to give them back.
EVE:
Adolf where are you going?
ADOLF:
I’m having it out with them
EVE:
Wait, you have to have a reason
ADOLF:
You’re telling a dictator he can’t do what he likes? Get with the politics honey, this is 1938
ZIGGY:
No Adolf Eva’s right. At the moment we ain’t got any proof. We need to catch them red handed if the charges are to stick
ADOLF:
You’re right, he’s right. Two Hitler’s are better than one when it comes to figuring out how to beat these sneaky people. Okay listen this is what we do…. Eva honey please, can we have a little privacy, I can’t work my magic if people are watching
FADE DOWN UNDER MUSIC
FADE UP ON THE HITLER’S APARTMENT NEXT DAY
ADOLF ARRIVES WITH HALF A DOZEN MASTERPIECES UNDER HIS ARMS. ZIGGY IS ALONE IN THE ROOM
ADOLF:
Where’s Eva?
ZIGGY:
She’s in the bedroom
ADOLF:
Okay make sure she stays there. If she finds out what we’ve been scheming I’ll have black shirts crawling all over me, believe me she’s ruthless
ZIGGY:
What you got?
ADOLF:
The best. A Titian, a Monet, a couple of Dutch schools and look at this, a Botticelli
ZIGGY:
I like your style
ADOLF:
I’m a stylish guy. The hair, the boots, that high kicking march, that’s me, I’m a stylish sort of guy
ZIGGY:
Brown shirts was genius. Drab, yet effective. That’s genius
ADOLF:
Ziggy, to hear you, my own brother, talk like that
ZIGGY:
Adolf hang on in there buddy
ADOLF:
Sure sure, I got so much love to give and sometimes it ain’t easy. When I’m with the fellas marching on other countries I gotta hold it in or they start to ask questions but believe me inside I’m all waterworks
ZIGGY:
So the plan is I go next door, give the paintings to the Goldensteins, they accept them knowing full well they’re different from the ones I took, then you burst in, confront them, and hey presto, it’s goodnight Vienna
ADOLF:
Goodnight Vienna, ain’t I already done that one?
ZIGGY:
But remember, hold back a little, I need time if it’s to work
ADOLF:
I can hardly wait. It’s smart, it’s clever, it’s sneaky, It’s Hitler
ZIGGY:
Half an hour?
ADOLF:
Soon the Goldensteins will feel the full might of the Fuhrer upon them
ZIGGY:
Sure sure, careful there Dolpho, you’re starting to foam a little at the mouth
ZIGGY TURNS TO LEAVE WITH THE PICTURES
ADOLF:
Hey and listen Ziggy, don’t think I don’t appreciate all that you’ve done, I couldn’t have done this without you
ZIGGY:
And I couldn’t do what I’m about to do with you
THEY EMBRACE
ZIGGY:
I’m outta here
ADOLF:
Stay lucky
ZIGGY LEAVES WITH PAINTINGS, EVA ENTERS
EVA:
Who was that?
ADOLF:
Only Ziggy
EVA:
What did he want?
ADOLF:
Two brothers can’t have a moment with each other. Say what are you doing in about half an hour?
EVA:
Nothing, why?
ADOLF:
Oh I just thought you might like to come to a private view at a new art gallery round the corner
MUSIC STING
FADE DOWN
FADE UP ON CORRIDOR OUTSIDE GOLDENSTEINS 30 MINUTES LATER
EVA:
Adolf I’m not so sure this is a good idea
ADOLF:
Are you kidding, this is one of the best ideas I’ve ever had
EVA:
I know, that’s why I’m not so sure it’s a good idea, the Goldensteins may not want people to call by and look at their new artworks
ADOLF:
What? They love it. Okay times up, tomorrow Europe, today the Goldensteins
EVA:
What?
ADOLF:
Nothing
THEY KNOCK ON THE GOLDENSTEINS’ FRONT DOOR
EVA:
Adolf, I know you’re mad cos they’ve stolen your paintings but remember they’re our neighbours, I have to live with them while you go off with your funny friends
ADOLF:
Eva c’mon, we’re just going to see the pictures, what could possibly go wrong
THEY KNOCK AGAIN
ARNY OOV:
Okay okay, what’s the hurry, I was in the shower
THE DOOR OPENS AND ADOLF BURSTS IN TO BE GREETED BY ARNY IN A TOWEL
ADOLF:
So Arny we finally caught you
ARNY:
(TO EVA) Say this is another of his routines, boy I like these
ADOLF:
This is no routine Arny. This is for real you swindling cheater
ARNY:
Hey honey you want to come and catch this. Adolf is doing some funny business out here
ROSA COMES IN
ROSA:
So? I’m watching
ADOLF:
I’ll tell you what it is, you two cheapsters have just stung me for five masterpieces that you know aren’t yours
ROSA:
I don’t get this routine Adolf
ARNY:
Me neither, it ain’t funny like the normal ones
EVA:
Adolf?
ADOLF:
Honey please not now
EVA:
Adolf!
ADOLF:
Eva babe not now, I’m going for it
EVA:
Adolf, the pictures
ADOLF LOOKS ROUND THE ROOM THEN REACTS WITH HORROR
ADOLF:
What are those doing there?
ARNY:
That’s what we’ve been saying?
ROSA:
We gave them to Ziggy to clean but when he returned them they were just the same as they always had been
ADOLF:
No Gogan….
ARNY:
No
ADOLF:
No Titian… No Botticelli???
ROSA:
And we paid good money to have them done
ADOLF:
Wait, wait…. if those are your old pictures, where are my priceless masterpieces??
ARNY:
What priceless masterpieces?
ADOLF:
Ziggy, when he called, he must have said something
ARNY:
Sure, he said here are you paintings back, took our money, then left. To tell you the truth he seemed in some sort of hurry, something about a plane…. to Switzerland? Where the nazi gold has been going
ADOLF:
My paintings!!!!
HE BREAKS DOWN CRYING
ROSA:
Oh wait, now this bit is funny
ARNY:
Listen Eva we hate to complain but we figure the money we paid, well he stole from us
EVA:
Adolf give the Goldensteins the money Ziggy took from them
ADOLF:
What?
EVA:
Look I’ll do it
SHE TAKES MONEY FROM ADOLF’S WALLET, ADOLF RAGES
ADOLF:
What are you doing? Give the Fuhrer back his purse
EVA:
How much
ARNY:
Fifty Marks
ROSA:
Honey I though Ziggy said forty
ARNY:
I know but have you seen inflation round here. Hey that’s something else I want to talk to you about Shorty
ADOLF:
Get out! Get out, get out
ARNY:
Oh boy, this is some routine
ADOLF:
Get out! Get out of my flat
THEY START TO LEAVE
ARENY:
Just a minute Bub, this is our flat
ROSA:
Wait I’ll get my camera, this one I want to keep. Say maybe we can take a few and get them framed. Replace those crummy paintings. Hey, you never know, maybe things haven’t turned out so bad after all, what d’you say Shorty?
ADOLF:
I’ll tell you what I say, I say if any of this ever gets out, that my brother stole from me, the Fuhrer, then you’re….
ARNY:
Yes?
ADOLF:
You’re….
ROSA:
We’re what, Adolf?
ADOLF:
Eva, come up with something
EVA:
It’s Poland. He’s been overworking.
ARNY:
Poland? Hey we know people there. I bet they’d love to hear about Ziggy and—
ADOLF:
Right, that’s it, I’m telling Borman
EVA:
Ignore him. He’s just a bit stressed.
ADOLF JACK BOOTS OUT OF THE APARTMENT
EVA:
Here we go again
SHE RUNS AFTER HIM
EVA:
Bye Arny, bye Rosa
ARNY:
Is it me or has Adolf got a bit of an attitude problem?
ROSA:
Did you see the veins on the side of his neck stick out
ARNY:
All that stomping’, and shouting… who rattled his cot
ROSA:
Still at least he bring a little colour into our lives
ARNY:
Yeh, that stuff he kept saying. How he’s racially superior to us
ROSA:
That’s what his book says
ARNY:
You know, it just makes me kinda grateful that since we’re racially inferior we don’t need to compete
ROSA:
Yeh. Cos keeping up with the Hitler. Boy that would be nearly impossible.
ENDS
