The Playstation 5 is the pinnacle of modern gaming. With 16GB of RAM, an 8-core AMD Zen 2 processor, a frame rate of 120Hz and capable of displaying billions of different colours, it’s a formidable beast. But you can’t play Knightmare on it. There’s absolutely no chance of controlling The Young Ones. And as for A Question of Sport? Forget about it. However, if you travel back in time and arm yourselves with just a few kilobytes and a cassette, you can enjoy all these and more.
As a youngster of limited ambition and energetic thumbs, I was a passionate gamer. From the raucous screech of Amstrad CPC loading screens that sounded like a dial-up modem having a nervous breakdown, through to the instant gratification of a well-moulded SNES cartridge and onto the point/click precision of PC gaming, I dashed through this pixelated wonderland like an Italian plumber.
But then, the inevitable happened. I discovered beer. Specifically, Newcastle Brown Ale - an earthy elixir which promised adulthood and led to countless calls on the porcelain telephone. My consoles started collecting dust and I embarked on a series of magical, unpredictable adventures that even the finest programmer would struggle to dream up.
Gaming, for me, is just a relic of a misspent youth. But it's also pure nostalgia. In those halycon days, there's one abiding memory which stands out: the shelves of my local computer shop sagging under the weight of TV tie-in computer games. Most of these 8-bit tributes to our favourite shows were terminal mediocrity. Occasionally, there was a touch of genius, but only fleetingly. On the whole, they were get-rich-quick schemes determined to rob schoolchildren of their precious pocket money.
I owned several of them. Many others, though, slipped through my clammy, adolescent fingers. Now, thanks to the magic of emulators, I can revisit them with adult hindsight and minus the load times.1. The Young Ones
Released in late 1985, on the Commodore 64, by Orpheus, The Young Ones was an official adaptation of the series which had ended in 1984. The series had the full blessing of the creative team behind The Young Ones - Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and Lise Mayer - so all the characters were present, and as recognisable as 8-bit sprites can be. Orpheus didn’t, however, manage to secure the rights to the series’ theme tune and, instead, had to compose a new one for the game.
Created by Paul Kaufman, Orpheus’ take on The Young Ones is an unusual one. The game was rushed in order to secure sales in the lucrative Christmas 1985 period, and it shows. The premise of the game is that the characters need to move out of the house, so it’s down to the player to help them collect all their belongings. The player takes control of one of the characters whilst the others, all computer controlled, mill around the house picking up and damaging items.
My main bugbear with the game is that it doesn’t capture the anarchic spirit of the television series. All you do is walk about, pick up items and, most frustratingly, wonder if you’re carrying the correct items. The majority of those who played the game, at the time, remember having no idea what they were supposed to be doing. Whilst it’s simple to play, it’s a frustrating experience as you don’t know who should be collecting what. The new theme tune, though, is a synth-pop joy.
2. Knightmare
Knightmare was one of the most innovative children’s programmes ever devised, even if one of mates used to refer to it as “that show where the kid has a bin on his head.” Given its reliance on puzzles and computer graphics, it was crying out for a computer game. And this came in late 1987, shortly after the first series had aired, when Activision released the official Knightmare game.
I had it on the Amstrad, and it was tough. Tougher than the leather on Treguard’s codpiece. In its defense, it’s a decent representation of the series and captures the claustrophobic atmosphere of the dungeon. The player takes control of a dungeoneer and has to guide them through the dungeon as they tackle puzzles. It’s nicely rendered too, with the characters and dungeon rooms all being recognisable, albeit with a minimal colour palette.
As an adult, the questions posed feel easy now, but 35 years ago they were much tougher for an eight-year-old. And there was no Google to help. The other problem came if you went in and out of the same room too many times. This resulted in all manner of goblins and demons rising out of the ground to crack your helmet open like a nut. Like many others, I never came close to completing the game. So, whilst it looked good and captures the Knightmare atmosphere, it was far too tough to be iconic.
3. Benny Hill’s Madcap Chase
Published by DK’Tronics in 1985, and inflicted exclusively on the ZX Spectrum, Benny Hill’s Madcap Chase was an official Thames tie-in and surely came from a particularly desperate corner of the licensing department. Some things have to be seen to be believed, but this simply has to be seen - you won't believe a second of it.
The game finds a beret-clad Benny leaping, in a madcap manner, around the screen in pursuit of various items. These range from clothing (yes, there's a bra) to apples and jumble. Benny has to collect these and deposit them in a container to complete the game. Straightforward enough, but Benny also has to avoid running into lampposts, escape the clutches of an angry housewife and outpace an entire division of policemen, all of whom have a penchant for jumping up and down on Benny's beret clad head.
It’s a curious looking game, imagine Ceefax graphics injected with Mr Olympia-level steroids, but it certainly stands out visually. Sadly, the Yakkity Sax theme tune is absent and the only sound effects are crude, irritating bleeps which imbue a disheartening loneliness to Benny's antics. Difficulty wise, it’s easy fare and doesn’t take long to complete. As with most games from this era, it can feel tiresome travelling across its various screens, but you won’t forget it in a hurry.
4. A Question of Sport
A Question of Sport ran for an admirable 53 years before it succumbed to that classic stake through the heart of a television programme: haemmoraghing viewers in a bloodbath blamed on Paddy McGuinness. At one time, A Question of Sport was seen as one of British television’s national treasures and, at the sprightly age of just 18 years old, it was rewarded with a fully-licensed computer game published by Elite in 1988.
A faithful adaptation of the television series, the 8-bit imagining of A Question of Sport invites you to step into the well-worn trainers of either Ian Botham or Bill Beaumont. Your task? Come on, don't be silly, you know what it is: marshall your team's sporting knowledge to success. There are six multiple choice rounds which take in the Picture Board (x2), What Happened Next?, Home or Away, Mystery Personality and the Quick Fire round. Victory, naturally, comes to the team with the most points.
For a sports fanatic, A Question of Sport would have represented a fine purchase to test their knowledge, but 35 years on the questions could easily double as museum exhibits. It’s a no-frills affair, with the main content being the questions and little else, but what exactly were you expecting? Jumping on Bowser's head to rescue Princess Sue Barker?
5. Doctor Who and the Mines of Terror
Released by MicroPower during Colin Baker’s tenure as the titular character, Doctor Who and the Mines of Terror emerged onto the BBC Micro in 1985 and, a year later, made its way onto the Amstrad CPC and Commodore 64. It was a fully licensed release, so featured Colin Baker’s likeness in all its 1980s garish glory, the Tardis and the Doctor Who logo. However, whilst there are creatures which resemble Daleks, they're never referred to by this name, in order to keep Terry Nation’s legal team at bay.
Doctor Who and the Mines of Terror, like the inside of the Tardis, is large and complex. The Master, as ever, is up to no good. On this occasion, he’s trying to harvest vast quantities of heatonite, a compound used to power Time Instant Replay Units. With these devices, The Master will be able to take control of time and wreak havoc. The Time Lords aren’t keen on this, so they’ve sent the Doctor, along with his robotic cat Splinx, to blow up the mine’s reactor and preserve the safety of time.
I had Doctor Who and the Mines of Terror as a young sapling and my mind was instantly blown by the huge box it came in and vast instruction manual. Sadly, it was as tough as it was large. Even now, as an adult, the game frustrates me all the way to Gallifrey and back. I doubt even a sonic screwdriver could help me. Looking at a walkthrough on YouTube, completing it is a marathon affair and very difficult. It may be colourful and huge, but that’s not enough when it feels like you’re banging your head against the Dalekanium shell of a Dalek (yes, I had to look that one up).
So there you have it, a handful of the peculiar, occasionally inspired, but mostly baffling TV tie-in computer games we endured in a 'simpler' age of gaming. Did you play any of these oddities? Did they spark joy or send your joystick flying out the window? And what other TV tie-in games did you squander your youth on when you should have been doing your homework? Let me know below.
BBC Micro keyboard image courtesy of William Warby
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